The phrase “there are two sides to every story” has become a go-to response in discussions about abuse. While it may sound neutral or even fair, in the context of Pathological Abuse—whether personal, familial, or societal—this mindset can cause significant harm. Pathological abusers thrive on controlling the narrative, weaponizing societal norms and perceptions to invalidate their victims while evading accountability. Understanding the dynamics that allow this to happen is crucial for anyone seeking to support survivors and confront abuse.
Defining Pathological Abuse
Pathological Abuse can be divided into two categories:
Pathological Partner Abuse (PPA): Abuse within intimate relationships, often rooted in coercive control, manipulation, and emotional exploitation.
Pathological Societal Abuse (PSA): Abuse perpetrated on a larger scale, often involving public figures or systems that use power, wealth, or influence to harm, manipulate, and evade accountability.
The Mask of the Pathological Abuser
Pathological abusers can often portray themselves as charming, altruistic, or even admired—but only when it serves their purposes. For them, this behavior is a means to an end rather than their default nature. Outsiders see only the mask—the polished, charismatic individual—and struggle to reconcile this image with the allegations of abuse.
This duality creates cognitive dissonance for those observing the situation. Many people are more comfortable believing in the abuser’s façade than accepting the reality that some individuals deliberately harm others. This denial can lead to invalidating the victim’s experiences, often labeling them as “petty,” “jealous,” or “overreacting.”
The Role of Enablers, Flying Monkeys, and Agents of Manipulation
Pathological abusers rarely act alone. Enablers, flying monkeys, and agents of manipulation—a term that encapsulates those who actively or passively support the abuser—play a critical role in sustaining the abuse. These individuals may genuinely believe they are being fair by “hearing both sides,” but in doing so, they often dismiss or minimize the victim’s perspective.
In family systems, enablers often prefer to maintain the illusion of harmony rather than confront the abuser. Calling out a parent or other family member as abusive challenges the family’s collective denial, forcing others to face their own failure to act. This discomfort leads to victim-blaming or even outright support for the abuser.
Similarly, in workplace settings, HR departments and colleagues may side with a high-performing but abusive individual, perceiving complaints as disruptions rather than valid concerns. Even when multiple complaints arise, abusers are often sent to superficial training sessions rather than being held accountable, leaving victims feeling unsupported and unsafe.
Victims themselves can sometimes become agents of manipulation due to peer pressure, betrayal blindness, or cognitive dissonance. They may unconsciously enable the abuser to maintain a sense of belonging or avoid conflict.
Understanding Betrayal Blindness
Betrayal blindness occurs when individuals—whether victims or bystanders—remain unaware of or choose to ignore abuse to maintain relationships or avoid emotional conflict. In families, this may mean denying a parent’s abusive behavior to preserve the family unit. In societal contexts, it can involve ignoring evidence of wrongdoing by powerful figures to avoid facing uncomfortable truths.
Societal Dynamics: Power, Wealth, and Influence
On a societal level, the dynamics of Pathological Abuse are amplified by power, wealth, and influence. Pathological societal abusers—politicians, corporate leaders, or other figures of authority—use their resources to silence dissent and maintain control. Their followers, often trapped in percepticide (the inability to see the truth) or betrayal blindness, unknowingly reinforce the abuser’s power.
This creates a cult-like system where dissenters are ostracized, and victims are isolated. The abuser’s power often intimidates those who might otherwise speak out. Even when evidence of wrongdoing emerges, societal systems frequently fail to hold these individuals accountable, reinforcing a culture of silence and complicity.
"Two Sides": A Misguided Approach
The idea that "there are two sides to every story" is particularly damaging in cases of Pathological Abuse. This mindset overlooks the inherent power imbalance and manipulative tactics abusers use to control the narrative. Pathological abusers excel at reframing events to make themselves appear victimized, a tactic that confuses outsiders and shifts blame onto the actual victim.
For victims, this dynamic is devastating. Not only are their experiences invalidated, but they are often retraumatized by having to defend themselves against accusations of being “too sensitive,” “unforgiving,” or “the real problem.” This societal tendency to doubt victims creates an environment where abuse can thrive unchecked.
Generational and Systemic Barriers
Another factor contributing to "collective timidity" in addressing abuse is the generational and systemic nature of these dynamics. Many individuals who grew up in toxic family environments experienced learned helplessness, betrayal blindness, or trauma bonds that conditioned them to accept abuse as normal. These patterns are carried into adulthood, making it difficult to challenge abusive behavior in workplaces, communities, or larger societal systems.
Even mental health professionals can fall prey to the abuser’s charm, siding with them and invalidating the victim’s experiences. This lack of accountability further isolates victims and perpetuates a culture where speaking out feels futile.
Collective Timidity: Context and Examples
Collective timidity is a well-known phenomenon among survivors of Pathological Partner Abuse (PPA). Due to the lack of documentation required to meet traditional definitions of evidence, victims often struggle to prove their abuse. Pathological abusers often control their domestic environments through financial control, monitoring phones and computers, and avoiding overt physical violence—all tactics that leave little tangible evidence.
If psychological and emotional outcomes, such as CPTSD or physical health issues, were recognized as valid evidence, many survivors would find justice more attainable. Mental health practitioners repeatedly see survivors presenting with similar emotional and psychological scars, often accompanied by parental alienation (for those with children involved) and stalking in the post-abuse phase. Yet, PPA perpetrators frequently escape accountability and continue their abuse even after the relationship ends.
Survivors are painfully aware that very few abusers are ever held accountable. Legal experts and even therapists often advise victims not to pursue justice, warning of the financial strain and emotional toll it may bring. Instead, survivors are told to focus on breaking trauma bonds and rebuilding their lives, even if it means leaving the abuser’s actions unchallenged. While healing is critical, the widespread dismissal of accountability leaves survivors devastated, knowing their abusers face no consequences.
A striking example is the case of Stormy Daniels and former President Donald Trump. Despite evidence and even legal consequences, Trump’s continued evasion of accountability sends a chilling message: powerful figures can escape justice. This emboldens abusers and silences victims, creating an environment where speaking out feels not only futile but dangerous. The widespread acceptance of such outcomes contributes to collective timidity, as individuals and even institutions feel powerless to challenge these systems without facing severe backlash.
Breaking Down Complex Systems of Silence
Addressing Pathological Abuse requires understanding the multifaceted dynamics at play:
Education and Awareness: Raising awareness about the tactics of Pathological Abusers is essential. This includes understanding terms like gaslighting, percepticide, and betrayal blindness, as well as recognizing the roles of enablers, flying monkeys, and agents of manipulation.
Acknowledging Barriers: Recognizing the systemic and cultural barriers that prevent accountability is crucial. These include power imbalances, generational trauma, and societal myths about fairness and change.
Encouraging Critical Thinking: Shifting the focus from "two sides" to examining the broader patterns and psychological outcomes of abuse helps dismantle the systems that protect abusers.
Highlighting Case Studies: Examples like Stormy Daniels’ case illustrate the real-world implications of collective timidity and the urgent need for systemic change.
Reflections and Questions
How do we create systems that prioritize victim safety and accountability over maintaining appearances? What role do individuals, institutions, and communities play in addressing Pathological Abuse? By asking these questions, we move closer to understanding and addressing the dynamics that allow abuse to thrive.
💙 Join Me & Stay Connected | Cindy Ann Pedersen
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*Note: Pathological abuse serves as the umbrella term to encompass various manipulative behaviors and abuse tactics rooted in personality traits and disorders specifically associated with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD), with or without psychopathy. The terms “narcissist,” “sociopath,” and “psychopath” may be used for clarity. These traits would meet the criteria for clinical diagnosis if formally assessed. Simplified language helps explain these tactics without requiring clinical expertise.
Definitions:
PPA: Pathological Partner Abuse – strategic abuse used in intimate relationships by narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths.
PSA: Pathological Societal Abuse – similar tactics applied in public roles, institutions, or politics.
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